I Can't Let You Go
by LordByronMudkippington
Summary: Breakups are hard. Letting go is harder. But maybe she just doesn't want to try.


It was impossible not to see her. Well, that wasn't exactly true. It was a big campus, after all. Surely there were places where the two never had to cross, and even cursory research would have revealed that they had no classes together. They weren't even in the same building. There was no reason for them to see each other, but they did. It wasn't an accident.

Her class schedule was forever imprinted onto Maki's mind. The girl with the boundless energy never stopped running through her brain. It would have been easy to go about her day, go to her classes, and head home, but the one thing university hadn't taught her was how to let go. Between classes, from a distance, she watched her tread the familiar path from class to class, laughing with friends or just skipping happily by herself. Her heart had never experienced such agony.

This was not normal, not for her. For someone who had never considered love a necessary emotion, at least not when there was a full body of education to embrace, she had let love get in the way. Now that she had fallen, she had fallen hard, and she didn't know how to get back up.

Dating had always seemed to be such a casual thing, and even as those unnecessary feelings had began to crop up, she'd fervently ignored them, believing them to be delusional. How badly she regretted not doing something, not saying something, but she had never known how. By the time she knew that she had to put more of herself into the relationship, it had already slipped through her fingers. Like sand being swept away to sea, it was gone.

There was no one but herself to blame. She had been the one to be closed off, the person to not take their relationship as seriously as it should have been, as it deserved to be. Locking herself in her room, pouring over books and study materials for hours every day: she never noticed that the one she had begun to fall for had walked away until she was alone. She never even knew when it started, when their eyes had started to look for something more fulfilling. Annoyances towards their every little quirk had transformed into regret that she no longer got to enjoy them firsthand.

She couldn't help but to blame someone else, though. When she saw her, hand entwined with another, bitter jealousy boiled in the pits of her stomach. It would be easier to move on, to get on with her life, just like she had. Maki just couldn't, and so every day she allowed herself to hurt and regret and hate while watching the girl she'd fallen for too late move on.

* * *

When their relationship had finally, irrevocably deteriorated, the friendships between themselves and each other's friends had likewise dissolved. Unfortunately, most of those friends just happened to be her ex's, which meant that they wanted nothing to do with her now. It was like a divorce, and they had gotten the friends and her heart in the settlement. Maybe that was a bit too dramatic, but her mind now lived in pure drama.

The one friend she'd retained was Nozomi, though when she ended up graduating Maki had no idea what she'd do. She was at Nozomi's house, failing miserably at concentrating on what they were doing. Wrapped up in her own mind, at times she would even forget what it was she wasn't paying attention to. All she could think about was watching their lips pressed gently against another's, that usurper's taste no doubt lingering on what she should have kissing. She shouldn't have seen that; she shouldn't have gone to campus when she had no classes, but there she'd been.

"You're not paying attention, Maki-chan." Nozomi's sing-song accusation, directed at her, caused her to slowly focus on the playful yet sad smile on her friend's face.

"How do you know that?" She tried to play it off, but there was no conviction in her voice. Instead of responding, Nozomi nodded to Maki's hand, and when she looked down she realized that she'd bent her spoon nearly in half. "Sorry," she mumbled lamely, looking down at her untouched dinner. It was doubtful she'd even attempt to eat anything that night. Maybe Nozomi would want it. "I'll buy you a new one."

They ate in silence after that. Well, Nozomi ate: Maki just went right back to getting lost in her unhappy memories. Eventually she was pulled back to reality by a hand squeezing her shoulder. "Come on, Maki-chan." Without any resistance, she stood up and followed Nozomi out of the kitchen and towards the couch, which she sat down on and stared at her legs, violet eyes unfocused.

"Rin moved on, Maki-chan." She knew that. It should have been easy for her to as well, but she had not. It must have been obvious for the longest time, though she didn't know how long Nozomi had been waiting to mention it. Maybe days, maybe months. "Don't you think you need to let go as well?"

"I don't care what she's done." It wasn't as if she had ever been a very convincing liar, but this was one of her worst jobs yet. Even she could tell how weak that sentence was.

"So you don't spend your time watching her holding hands with another person, then?"

"I hadn't noticed."

"She's been dating that girl for awhile now. Haruka-chan, wasn't it?"

"Hanayo." _Dammit._ Gripping the bottom of her skirt tightly, Maki knew that she'd fallen easily into another of Nozomi's traps. She didn't want to look up and see what kind of expression she would receive. It was probably one of pity, and she didn't want that. She didn't deserve that.

"You miss her." She didn't respond, but the way she tensed up said it all. Of course she missed her. There was no one more carefree and playful and fun. She missed her enough that it made Maki sick. All those adoring looks that she forced herself to see Rin giving that shy, cute, horrible usurper, watching them like some sort of perverse punishment, she wanted those looks to be upon her. Not on someone else.

"Talk to her." Maki finally looked up to find determination in Nozomi's eyes, catching her slightly off guard. "You want her to know just how badly you miss her? Then go tell her. It's not like you don't know where she is every day."

"Why don't you take your own advice, then?" Nozomi visibly stiffened, but Maki pressed on. "You're just as hung up as I am."

"That's different."

"Bullshit. You've been pining for that blonde for just as long." Standing up, Maki narrowed her eyes at Nozomi. She shouldn't be taking her anger out on Nozomi: she didn't deserve it. "I don't meddle in your business. Don't meddle in mine." She went for the door, Nozomi not making any moves to stop her. When she left, she felt more unsure than ever.

* * *

By this point, telling herself that she shouldn't be somewhere sounded incredibly feeble. She hadn't wanted to put her stock into Nozomi's advice, but as soon as she'd left the house she knew exactly where her feet would lead her. Her heart pounded uncomfortably as she watched Rin run around the track, breathtaking in how well she put her wild energy into one concentrated action. Maki was nervous.

She put a hand on the fence that separated her from the field where the track was situated, and with a deep breath she crossed the threshold. Immediately she was besieged, surprised when two hands landed on her shoulder and she found herself looking into a pair of angry blue eyes. "Leave her alone, Maki."

"I just want to talk with her." Of course Honoka would be here. Rin's best friend had always been a bit hesitant of her approval towards Maki, and there wasn't much love lost between them. She was in the way, though.

"No. You've done enough damage." She couldn't help but start to get angry. Honoka was not Rin's keeper. She tried to push forward, but Honoka's grip was strong, and she found herself being moved backwards instead. Starting to panic at being permanently kept away from Rin, she decided to risk completely embarrassing herself.

"Rin! Rin!" Honoka's eyes widened, and over her shoulder Maki saw Rin take notice of the commotion. She was too far away to see exactly what expression was on her face, but it didn't look all that positive when she came jogging into view. Honoka let go of Maki and turned to face Rin instead.

"Rin-chan, you shouldn't slack off from practice." She grinned, but quickly dropped it when it was clear that there were a lot of emotions going on in Rin's eyes. "I was just about to make her leave-"

"Maki." She didn't like the look in Rin's eyes, nor the dulled tone of her voice, but her heart couldn't help but soar at hearing her name coming from those lips again. It had been so long. "What are you doing here?" Wasn't it obvious?

"I..." Her voice caught in her throat, and she had to push past her nerves and force the words out. "I wanted to talk to you." She glared pointedly at Honoka. "Alone."

"Rin-chan, don't-"

"It's fine, Honoka-chan." She smiled - a forced one, it seemed to Maki - at Honoka, silently urging her to let them speak alone. Luckily, Honoka complied, glaring one last time at Maki before walking back to the bleachers. Then they were alone. "I'm listening." Now she was put on the spot, and her hand automatically went to her hair, twirling a lock of crimson as she tried to formulate something to say.

"I-I..." Well, if she had come here, then either consciously or subconsciously she was willing to follow Nozomi's advice. Might as well put it out there. "I miss you, Rin. I know it's over, but dammit, I miss you." She waited for Rin to reply, but she seemed shellshocked, eyes wide and focused on Maki. It only served to make her more nervous.

"I just want another chance." She took a step forward, closing the meager distance between them. Uncertainty plagued Rin's expression, but there was no backwards movement in response.

"Maki, I... I'm with Kayochin now." Her voice was quiet, and Maki had never seen her look so nervous, so unsure. It wasn't right, but she made herself keep going.

"Please, Rin. I made so many mistakes. I just want to fix them." There wasn't any more space between them, the tips of their shoes touching. They both were shaking, though possibly for different reasons.

"No, it's..." One shaking hand found its way to Rin's shoulder. "I can't..." Her breath was warm; nervous. "Please, Maki..." It was worse that her lips tasted so good. It wasn't right for her to lay claim on something she no longer had the right to claim. Nothing she had done for so damn long was right.

"I love you, Rin. I love you." There were tears mixed into the tentative and shameful taste. She didn't know whose they were. "I love you." She was such a horrible person.

* * *

There was so much guilt. She had made a terrible mistake, but the worst thing was that she didn't regret it. Was that what made her a bad person, or the action itself? It wasn't easy to dwell on it. Things weren't any easier, and the taste of irreparable damage still lingered on her lips. This wasn't what she had wanted, yet it was exactly what she wanted.

She could continuously feel angry stares on her back, but she forced herself to ignore them. They didn't need to remind her that she had messed up: she was well aware that once again she'd put herself before Rin. Even revealing her love was selfish. It hurt, but she got what she wanted. Now every day her footsteps were shadowed with guilt, shame rampant in her eyes every time she accidentally glanced at those she had hurt. She had been too late to express her feelings before. It was not her place to put those feelings back out there.

She had, though. She revealed those feelings, she'd done something that neither of them could take back. She was such a horrible person, but the one thing university hadn't taught her was how to let go.


End file.
